Emotional pain – processing well or badly

The making of us can be in the breaking of us.

We live in a world where emotional and mental pain is inevitable. It is part of being truly human in a sin scarred world. However, it is also true that some suffer more than others and have had it worse with damaging relationships, stress, rejection, loss or trauma in their lives. As a counsellor and as a Pastor I have the privilege of listening to and trying to help many people who are disturbed by life, especially by the legacy of past relationships with significant others, damaging events and voids in their lives. Rejection is so often the root of our problems. As humans, God designed us with the DNA to both receive and give away love. When this flow is disrupted or breaks down we feel the agony of this distortion and life is simply not as it should be. We search for resolution and always orientate away from the pain and towards a better life experience. At least we try to. We may search for this in different ways but as my Theotherapy counselling trainer Julia Muir says, ‘The void always demands what the void is‘

No amount of trying to substitute undealt with pain or feelings of deep rejection, loss or shame with alternatives like possessions, a special relationship, a promotion at work or the most entertaining of lives will ever work to resolve this latent internal conflict.

The void must have what the void demands…

That’s how it works. If you doubt this, then think of those times in life when everything just comes crashing down, even when life seems to be good on the outside. Eventually, the ability to mask or suppress painful emotions and thoughts can become impossible to hide any more. This can feel like the beginning of the end for you OR it can become the end of the beginning? The choice is yours….

I have come to discover that there are those who truly desire to process their pain towards healing with resolution and there are those who often don’t want to. I say ‘often’ because there are of course those who search valiantly for this type of freedom but never seem to find it. However, there are certainly many who search for relief and peace in this life by burying themselves into whatever they believe or ‘feel’ will satisfy the problem. This could be more money, getting married or having better friends. These things all have the potential to be a blessing, however, when they are used as a substitute for what the void demands, then we are in trouble.

Counselling and Pastoral ministry at its best helps a person to deal with and resolve their issues. At Liberty church we have two modalities of counselling in our centre. Both of these modalities will help the person in need to get to the root of what is truly disturbing the equilibrium of their lives and help restore them to God’s design of shalom (wholeness).

Yet the fact is that not everyone wants to process their pain. Many see it as an enemy to drown in a sea of alternatives (we have all done this many times) or numbed sufficiently to try and carry on as normally as possible. Yet eventually, and almost inevitably, the same old issue floats back to the surface to stare us in the face. In this manner, life catches up with us and we downgrade to a lower existence and expectation.

Let me finish with this thought. It is possible and BETTER to have a mindset that sees emotional pain as an entry point to ‘dealing’ and ‘healing’. An indicator of a deeper issue(s) that is enmeshed in our lives and from which we need to be unraveled, healed and restored. In this sense, pain is God’s way of shouting at us and telling us that something is not right. At some point we need to listen to the pain. At some point we need to stop running. At some point we need to allow ourselves to PROCESS the pain and get free of anything that hinders us. This can indeed be the breaking and the making of us.

If you live in Mid-Ulster and any of the issues raised in this blog post have highlighted your need to speak to someone professionally as a counsellor then feel free to contact our Lead Counsellor Ali Shiels for an assessment appointment. Zoom sessions can also be arranged for those further away. Her number is +44-7760668917

Jason Shiels, May 2022